Our lives are filled with ups and downs, good choices, poor choices, lessons learned, changes made, connections built, bridges burned....and who we are today is created through all that mess. And as we go through life, we "move on" from the things that caused us pain, slowed us down, held us back. We "move on" from relationships that left scars, beliefs we once held that have changed, parts of our lives we wanted to forget. But when you make a commitment to adopt, to love beyond the confines of "traditional", it opens the book of the past. It exposes all that internal stuff buried and forgotten. It left me raw. Vulnerable. There were tears. Pain, loss, grief, remorse, anger....all feelings that are possible when the past is so freshly revisited. But....there is also freedom. Becoming exposed to 37 years of life, and all that goes with it, has an upside. To reflect on the good. The beautiful. And to see and relish in the transformations that took place through faith. I could really see points in my life where God took mud and clay and made beautiful pieces of functional pottery. And then I could see where the pots developed a crack or two, and the Lord filled it in.
In addition, I learned what it is to truly commit. I have had people ask me, "so if you don't raise the money to adopt Li and Wen by May/June do you just stop and walk away?" Um, No. We are committed. These two children will become Keirs, unless the Lord steps in and says otherwise. We believe wholeheartedly that the support will come, hearts will soften, people will join us and money will not be a reason these two children remain without a family or hope. Beyond financially though, let me tell you the process to adopt is lengthy. And time consuming. And emotional. And HARD. But you know what else? Being an orphan, not having parents committed to love and nurture you, THAT is even harder. When we stepped forward to bring these children home, it was not on a contingency basis of "if everything works out." It was with every fiber of our beings saying, "Yes Lord, we will provide for them, nurture them, care for them, love them as You have loved us."
In only 6 short weeks, I have watched my children flourish in selfless thoughts and actions. My boys are the sweetest creatures I know (yes, I say creatures, moms of boys will understand lol). And it is such a blessing to watch them begin thinking outside of themselves, to talk about the needs of others, to make plans for how to serve their new siblings. Some people have asked if my boys have thought about what they will lose, what they will have to give up by bringing in two children who "need" a lot of mom and dad. You know what? Nope, my boys are so engrossed with what they will GAIN by having 2 more siblings, they haven't stopped to focus on a loss. Maybe that time will come. Or maybe that is all about how we model life for them. If we ourselves focus on the everyday blessings of GIVING, we are setting them up also to do the same. While Steve and I know that adding these precious children to our home will mean we "give up" some of our comforts, or time, or "peace ad quiet" (yeah right, cause we have a lot of that here), what we are focused on is all there is to gain. There is a JOY in being in the Lord's will. An indescribable peace that comes with knowing you are serving as Jesus desires. And nothing in the way of my earthy sacrifices can hold back that JOY.
I love that I am married to an amazing man who is following where the Lord has led us, to open his heart and home for the unexpected. I love that we have been placed where we are on purpose, for this moment in our lives. I do miss Germany terribly, but I see a plan unfolding for our lives that we could not live out in Germany. Colorado is home now (Europe, we WILL meet again!) and though we don't have it all figured out (not hardly!) we know that our steps are guided by a mission so much bigger than what we could do on our own....we are on God's mission. Living out the commandment...
I am so glad to stand alongside you in this journey. Your entire family is constantly in my prayers. Having been down this road myself, I know the fear and uncertainty that can set in. Leaning on the Lord and the knowledge that He is in control, is what got us through and I know it is getting you through as well. God will provide! I cannot wait to see you united with your sweet children in China.
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